It’s been said that drunken words are sober thoughts and there we lay in complete silence. Her on the verge of passing out while I lay and contemplate the words that I just heard. I know she’s inebriated but that had to of come from somewhere. I mean people say things all the time, but you don’t just drop those 3 words for the first time out of nowhere. I know she had only said it because she was really drunk and I just wanted to say it back. Am I? I mean it’s only been 1 month officially. Sure I’ve had feelings for her for quite some time but….-the thoughts are racing around. I soon begin to hear her snore. She’s falling asleep and she’s curled up right next to me. I turn and look towards her and slowly brush her hair. She’s out. Her mind probably felt relieved to put that out but I don’t think she was. Had she known? Thank-God I didn’t ever say it back because that would have rendered awkward. Not 2 weeks later her mood shifted and the way she held me so tight slowly loosened. I felt like I was doing something wrong, but in reality I was doing everything right. I was so compassionate towards her, I listened, and I cared, and most importantly had uncontrollable feelings. For the first week we were dating she would ask if I was coming over, when given the yes, always followed by, are you staying the night. Dangle the two options of sleeping alone at home or in bed with another person the choice was easy. You encouraged me staying, and then when I wasn’t staying over, the next day she would tell me how she couldn’t sleep well and missed having me in the bed. She showed all the signs that she was comfortable with me being there even though I never did. I don’t want to feel like a leech. I don’t eat other people’s food and such was the case at her place. Come Superbowl Sunday she has the audacity to be angry at me for just wanting to sleep. Sure I was in the wrong, which I apologized for and admitted. Her on the other hand, well she thinks I wasn’t angry at her. Inside I was fuming. I mean she’s angry I’m sleeping in her bed still at 2:30 in the afternoon. Out of a completely empty house herself, her roommate and her friend choice to get ready in the room I’m sleeping in. Yeah some of the things they needed were in there but they could have easily been retrieved and brought upstairs. I have a bad headache and just want to sleep; I don’t feel comfortable sleeping anywhere else though. So I went out for a smoke hoping that she had finished getting ready by the time I was back inside. Sure enough when I walked back inside, there all three sat on the bed talking. So I made the rash choice to shut the light off and lay back down. I didn’t care if they were talking; I just wanted the light off. It angered them. I remember her saying “Well fuck this” and all three left. Victorious at last, now I can sleep once again. The whole time while keeping me awake they never discussed what they were going to be doing so I figured since no one is asking me to get up and come somewhere they were just going to convene upstairs. Eventually I heard lots of footsteps and everyone talking and next thing you know the door slammed shut. So that uncomfortable feeling mentioned earlier, well I get that when I’m in someone’s house without that someone being there. So I couldn’t sleep hadn’t any idea where they went. So I left, pissed. So the whole outcome of this event is her telling me I’m too confortable (boy was she off) and basically we’re moving too fast and I’m spending too many nights with her (which she initiated from the get-go). And yet after being stepped on like that, I thought of my past demons and thought there is no need to get in a fight over this. Not worth it one bit. Though I could feel that loosened grip had become brittle and almost detached. Something wasn’t right anymore, what happened to her smile and compassion she once showed me. Friday comes along and she goes to see a friend who got her pregnant 3 months prior. Ding ding ding, the alarms are going off in my head. We make plans to hang out around midnight at the bar, come 11:30 she texts me saying she’s going home. By the time I arrive, she’s well asleep. Saturday comes and I can sense she is intimidated by me; she won’t look me in the eye or talk to me. Something is not right here. Out of the blue around 4:45pm she finally engages in a bit of conversation with me. “So what are you doing”, she asks. I say nothing because in the present tense I am literally doing nothing waiting to hang out with her. I ask her what she’s doing to see if she had anything planned for us to do. She then tells me she’s leaving to hang out with friends again. I can’t come, that same guy is there again. Couple hours into her being gone she tells me off via text message a cowardly move. For the next 14 hours I waited with my gut wrenching and thoughts circling me again. Again hard time looking at my face, it’s over. She said she wasn’t ready for a relationship. A crock I know, which leaves me to decipher two answers. She was so attached and scared of being hurt she fled. Or, she fucked that dude Friday, felt guilty Saturday, had him manipulate her into not wanting to be with me, fucking him again, and then ending it on Sunday because it had to be done. We won’t get into what I think it is.